Sound the trumpets! This is my very first post on Freeing Faith.
This is not the first time I’ve attempted to maintain a blog. Since I love reading and writing so much, I get these fanciful ideas running through my head and then the urge to jot them all down overwhelms me until I pause and say, “Hey! You have a spare moment. Why not put your thoughts down online and see what happens?!”
In the past I’ve run the gammet on topics to blog about…my faith, feminism, athletics, motherhood, teaching…basically, all the issues I constantly think about and discuss in great length with family and friends. One such topic I have written a bit about on other sites that would normally garner some positive feedback, has always been on my mind. Sadly, I have always been a bit hesitant to devote more than a few short anecdotal ssays about it.
The topic at hand? Eating disorders.
To say that for the past eighteen years of my life (and now at the ripe, ahem, “old” age of thirty-five), recovery from anorexia and exercise addiction has been an important part of my past would be a misnomer. These illnesses have, in fact, caused me to lose relationships, take unnecessary time off of work, and basically not fully live up to the potential that God would have for me.
Recently one day I sat down with God and asked Him what He would want me to do with my passion for writing and the experiences I endured through eating disorder treatment.
WRITE ABOUT IT.
The voice was loud and clear.
But write? About what? The damaging consequences of running for miles on end with a barely beating heart? The lies I told my treatment team about NOT exercising when in reality I’d buy old shoes from Goodwill so I could trek through the urban jungles of Honolulu during my breaktimes at work? The pain I saw in my father’s eyes when he caught me doing leg lifts at the gym at 2:34am in the morning? Or maybe I was supposed to document how the incessant eating disorder voice would keep me up at night, berating me for having eaten a piece of chocolate before curling up in the covers? Or maybe I was to share about the indecision I felt when having to pick between eating the chicken or fish plate for dinner, the ruminating thoughts of calories, fat, and carbohydrates running through my mind and making me literally ill.
Yes. I need to write.
To be honest and vulnerable here is quite scary for me. Most people that know me well enough know that I have struggled with an eating disorder, yet the severity of my illness is still lost upon friends and (some) family. And so I’ve decided to share all things about anorexia and excessive exercise here–the victories, the relapses, and the journey God has guided me through. It sounds hokey, a bit too saccharine to some, but in all honesty, it was (and still is) my faith in Jesus that pulled me from the depths of anorexia. And although I no longer hover in the double digits weight wise, I still need to turn to Him on the daily for strength and to push through that eating disorder voice that wants to control my thoughts.
I hope that as you read through these posts the words on the page will speak to you in some way–whether as a survivor, recovering patient, or loved one of someone struggling, God wants you to turn to Him and know you can trust in His love and grace to guide you through whatever lies ahead.