Control

I am set in routine, I am set in schedule, and I am set in following the rules.

Total left-brainer here.

When I get a plan of any kind, whether it be for a lesson I am going to teach on Contemporary literature or a template describing what to eat as an athlete, I desire to follow that plan.  TO.  A.  T.

My OCD has been incredibly helpful when it comes to perfecting minute details (checkbooking, editing papers), but not so much when it comes to the one area in my life that I (sadly) have NO control over.

My walk with God.

I really have NO control over it.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I do have control over the amount of time I spend reading the Bible, meditating on His word, and praying to Him.  But do I actually exert said control to put Him first rather than try to do the million other items that are pulling me in every which direction?

No.

It’s the greatest irony–I want to control God who I really should be giving up control to.

I knew this for awhile.

I suspected my OCD, left-brained life was in need of some kind of change a few weeks ago.  I knew it in my bones.  I would go through the day fine:  teaching, lifting, cooking, parenting, cleaning, sleeping…but then I always still felt a bit dull.  I can’t quite explain it, but the fact was I felt like I was just EXISTING and not THRIVING.

Enter in not a fan.

Our church is starting this campaign from City on a Hill to encourage us to not just be a “fan” of Jesus, but one totally involved and committed to Him.

Insert “girl raising hand” emoji.  This.  Is.  Me.

And so I bought the journal, and wouldn’t you know, day 2 asks me to pray for God to interfere with my life.  My gut reaction.  Oh, shoot.  No.  No.  No.

I have a plan for today.  I have a list of things to do.  No.  No.  No.

Honestly, I’m writing this blog because it’s 5:42am in the morning, and I’ve been procrastinating on praying this prayer.

I’m scared.

I don’t know WHAT God will do.

That’s the ugly, hard truth.  There are areas in my walk with God where I think I’m totally committed, but when it comes down to it, I still want control.  So how do I give up that control, that need to hold on to everything?

I need to ask God for it.

So here I go…

God, interfere.  Do Your will.  Have Your control over my life.

Those were some of the hardest words to type.  But He needs to have that control.  He wants to have that control.  It would be a misnomer for me to withhold His will over my life so I can perform the plans I set out for myself.

This is hard.  I will definitely keep you all updated on how my OCD, left-brained self is doing giving up control to God.  😉

 

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